I don’t know if it began when astrologer Chani Nicholas said the way that based on how the planets were stacked, 2023 would demand a slow start. Or perhaps a deep dive into various kinds of trauma through studying at the School of Radical Healing was the thing that made me slow down this year. But slow down, I have. After the intensity and drive of 2022 — writing everywhere good that would have me in my spare time — a call to hit the brakes and rest has been thrumming in my heart.
“What if you just stopped?” it asks. “What if you got comfortable saying no, staying home, and sitting in stillness? What if you got quiet enough that you might hear your own heart?”
I have long believed the story, “I don’t know how to slow down/stop.” I come from a long line of Armenian women who spin circles around family and friends like whirling dervishes, flitting from kitchen to table and back again, serving everyone before sitting down. Like a one-speed bike, my only mode has been “GO.” If I have an off-switch, I haven’t found it yet (though I’m pretty sure Rasheed has read the operating manual and figured out the code). Just to sleep, I often need to knock myself out with very strong grey market edibles. Somewhere, deep in my subconscious, I have some deeper belief, like I don’t deserve rest unless I’m perfect.
For much of my life, I allowed my productivity to define whether I liked myself or not. The amount I said yes to and pulled off determined if I was a human worthy of love and rest. And if you, too, have been playing that version of the Earth Life game, you might know that the house always wins. Your inbox will not be empty when you die. The whiteboard will still have items waiting to be checked off. You will never DO ENOUGH to BE ENOUGH. In a society built on endless growth, chances are you’re starting to wake up to this realization in the form of a gnawing discomfort. Something or someone has made many of us believe that we just have to keep pushing through, keep striving for more, but maybe you’ve started to wonder if it’s actually true.
You’ve likely built habits around this belief. You might believe that if you just DO enough, say yes enough, grit your teeth and say “It’s fine” enough, there is some magical future date where you get to stop and rest and enjoy “the fruits of your labour.”
I had filled my life with so much noise that I couldn’t see clearly, couldn’t hear myself outside the thoughts of what I believed needed to get done. Who are we without that to-do list and inbox and the epic ticker tape of “shoulds?”
Did that question send you into defensive mode? I get it. Here are some “But I can’t” beliefs of my own I’ve uncovered this year:
But I can’t stop posting to social media because I’m building a business, a career, a platform, and a personal brand.
But I can’t stop doing everything for my kids, because if I do, everything will fall apart.
But I can’t leave my desk in the middle of the day to exercise or work on my book because they pay me to sit at my desk!
But I can’t stop pitching or saying yes to freelance work because who says no to money?
But I can’t say no to [insert a person in my life] because what if they don’t ever ask me/invite me again? What if they feel hurt by my no?
I live at the intersection of people-pleasing, perfectionism, scarcity and FOMO thoughts, which you can file under “Everyone’s hanging out without me!” Add a naturally curious brain that loves seeking new people and new experiences, plus a generous heap of hypervigillance as an anxiety response, and you might begin to understand why I have lived my life the way I have.
One of the echoing themes of my conversations of the past year has been, “How do you do all you do? I look at your feed, and I want to take a nap?” And after the third time I was asked this month, I began to realize how confusing it all looks.
I have a day job writing for a tech company that keeps me feeling secure with money by steadily paying the bills.
I have a side hustle as a Kickstartology Coach, supporting Steph as she built out her alignment framework, program, and community.
I frequently freelance write for major publications (for money) and appear on podcasts (for free).
I co-parent two teenagers 60% of the week and take care of aging parents (with my amazing sister), and am the full-time caregiver to a very needy, allergic-to-everything scaredy cat.
I have an amazing romantic relationship and a big circle of friends who keep me grounded, laughing, and dancing.
I have an insatiable appetite for learning and am always registered for one course or another.
I am a big softie and can easily get drawn into charitable initiatives and helping others.
I have several active social media accounts where I share insights and slices of life, plus this rusty, dusty newsletter/blog thingy.
It’s a lot. Even I can admit that. It’s a bit like taking several road trips that are in close proximity to each other but on different completely routes. As a coach, I sell people on the value of living an aligned life and help them create paths to what they want. But in reality, my own map looks more like a not-so-elegant ballroom dance than a route to somewhere specific.
Despite everyone I love telling me my lifestyle was ridiculous, even if it looked fun, I wasn’t conscious of how it was impacting me and my loved ones. I thought, “If I just work harder, I’ll get it all done, and then I won’t have to do so much.” Bzzzt, wrong! You tried that for 48 years, girlfriend. Your brain, body, and eyes have done THE MOST. It’s not enough, and it’s never going to be enough because you are playing the Earth Life game all wrong. It’s not about doing more to get more out of life. Hear me out: it’s about doing less than someone like you can possibly be comfortable with.
Now before you retreat to the couch to pick up the remote control for a Netflix binge because “Nadine says I need to do way less to get more, tra-la-la!” This is NOT about numbing out. Quite the opposite. This is about learning to SIT with YOURSELF, free of thought and doing, or rather, simply observing those funny thoughts that make you FEEL like you NEED to be DOING something. This is about learning to REST. More specifically (and this is gonna make my fellow neurospicy folks real anxious), learning to REST in your own BEING, your own AWARENESS, your own SELF. WUT?
(Don’t worry, I’m not super comfortable with this yet either, but it’s getting easier.)
Two Saturdays ago, I saw one of my heroes, the author Elizabeth Gilbert speak in Toronto. Then I took a deep dive into her recent interviews with Glennon and Abby because I needed to know what happened after her partner Rayya died. But also why had Liz Gilbert ghosted Instagram without a word? Here’s what I learned that spoke directly to where I am at this exact moment in time and tied it all up in a sparkly bow for me.
Have you ever met a relaxed woman? How do we begin to cultivate a more relaxed state in ourselves? (You’re gonna have thoughts about this — write them down.)
Priorities: “What are you going to say NO to so that you can get the life you PRETEND you want?” (“Oh snap!” said this aspiring author out loud in an audience of 2000.)
Boundaries: Draw a sacred circle around everything you believe to be holy, AKA critically important to you. Not everything is gonna fit. Choose wisely. Then mind what goes in and what goes out.
Mysticism: There is wonder and magic in just about everything if you look deeply enough. And whatever you want to call it, you don’t have to work with the God/higher power/big idea they gave you. “To get well, you must create your own higher power.”
So without going into further detail (an impressive feat for me), I’ll just say that Liz Gilbert was the messenger who reminded me to keep going, but, this time, in the OPPOSITE direction of the path I was on before. I had already begun to ask, “What happens if I come to a full stop on everything that no longer fits or feels good or maybe just needs to wait on the back of a shelf until I’m ready to give it attention again? Am I willing to take the risk?”
Hell yes. Resting and slowing down intentionally does not mean I am on my ass scrolling and binging more stuff. For me, it means that I really, REALLY want to write a book and to make that happen, I have to protect my limited energy by being intentional about:
The words I say and text
What I consume in terms of food, images, words, sounds, and ideas
How I treat my body in terms of sleep, fuel, and movement
My creative inputs and outputs
My sacred circle has me at the centre. It’s my garden to tend to and nurture. I am 100% responsible for it despite what circumstances and systemic inequities might impact it. I get to decide what goes in and what comes out. And what I really, REALLY want is to write a book.
No one will die if I don’t write a book, but, if I don’t give it a real shot,a little piece of my soul might. My writer dad somehow coded this love of telling stories through my fingertips in me. His immigrant experience here didn’t make that possible for him as a full-time career, but I have a deep desire to keep it going, for our lineage, our legacy. But I can choose different. I don’t have to buy into Western protestant capitalist tropes that make me feel like “I just need to work harder.” I simply need priorities and boundaries.
So what comes out? I’ve ziplined out of social media and committed to not writing for anyone other than the day job until my book proposal is ready to be read by others at the start of June. I can do this. I simply have to make different choices to make it possible. Now that I’ve learned how to calm the fearful, anxious voices inside, I can hear the soft requests and conversations from my heart instead. Did you know you can spend your whole life with someone and never really know them? Did you know that person could be yourself?
There’s so much coming forward in the quiet, and I’m so excited to bring these new ideas and insights to those who need and want them. More to come, but I thought I’d let you know where I’ve been in case you were wondering. I’m mentally stronger than I’ve been in my whole life, clear and grounded most days. Physically, I’m working through some pain, but this new approach to life gives me the space to recalibrate and prioritize spending time with my body. It’s coming.
I know I owe you 9 more impressive thoughts on raising kids. The next 9 are about raising adults, and it’s more painful somehow. Maybe because I don’t have enough distance from it yet. That work is coming, but sloooowly. And first, finishing my non-fiction book proposal.
Words of encouragement are welcome. Until next time.
XOXO
Nadine