Life is a puzzle with countless pieces, each representing our choices, relationships, and experiences. Recently, I was reminded of the fragility and unpredictability of my own life puzzle when I returned from a glorious 5-day trip to one of the world’s greatest summer cities, Montreal, to news of my friend Andrea's passing. Despite her terminal cancer diagnosis, Andrea joined our coaching program almost a year ago, determined to live life to the fullest. Her courageous pursuit of squeezing every last drop out of life to her last breath inspired me to reflect on invaluable lessons I want to share with you.
Last August, Andrea attended a small gathering in my backyard during her visit to Toronto. To my surprise, we discovered that our paths had crossed several times over the span of 15-ish years through her brother (and old friend) and working at Rogers. While I knew Andrea was in the process of dying, little did I know she would transition on my birthday this year. Coincidentally, on my birthday just last year, another friend had a baby — my birthday twin. One single year bookended by a new life and a death — a poignant reminder of life's unpredictable twists.
In the face of Andrea's passing, our coaching call this week became a tribute to her vibrant spirit. Reflecting on her life, three powerful takeaways emerged, which I believe can guide us all on the path to embracing life fully.
1. “Stop procrastinating on your doctor’s appointments.” While it may seem obvious, Andrea's words were a wake-up call. If you're putting off important tasks or delaying necessary actions, consider this a sign from the universe urging you to take charge of your well-being.
2. “Be a f-cking delight!” Andrea embodied the essence of this tenet from our coaching program. She radiated joy and touched the lives of those around her. Today, ask yourself what you can do to light up someone else's world. How can you be a source of positivity and genuine connection?
3. “What happens if you go ‘all in’ (on life)?” This thought-provoking question challenges us to shed societal expectations and live authentically. Remove the layers of pretense and embrace the truest version of yourself. Let go of what no longer serves you and make choices that align with your deepest values.
What bullshit do you let go of? Who/what doesn’t need to be in your space or doesn’t get your energy anymore? What choices do you make day-to-day to be the truest version of yourself, stripped of layers and societal expectations? I will come back to this in a bit.
Befriending death
So much of our lives as human beings are spent fearing death (and dying alone and unloved, but that’s another story). We make decisions we think will spare us of that inevitable outcome, which is to say: The moment when our physical bodies cease to sustain one’s life on this earthly plane. We forget that death itself holds valuable lessons for us all. It's time to change our perspective. I don’t believe any other living thing on this planet lives that way. Human thought is both a blessing and a curse.
Not all death-preventative and predictive thinking hinders our progress and growth. Lots of it does keep us safe, which is why we’re addicted to it. Our obsession with safety is due in part to our brain’s primary evolutionary design — to keep us alive so we can propagate our DNA (yes, like a virus). But like most things about human existence, there are no guarantees, no real binaries. It’s probably a good idea not to run into traffic, but is it always? What if your child or loved one was in grave danger on the other side?
Death (our human understanding of it) can become THE greatest teacher in life. If we befriend Death (says the lifelong anxious person), we can use it as the edges of the puzzle we’re trying to piece together. What Andrea’s passing is reminding me is that we get to throw away the box. I am no longer trying to build this puzzle of a life to match someone else’s prescribed image. No, I’m trying to see what fits, and the image will reveal itself over time based on the choices and decisions I make.
The predictive brain wants to know what the image is SO badly. And the trick to living a happier, healthier life is to learn how to enjoy the puzzle-building process WITHOUT having a prescribed image to mirror. When we befriend Death as our teacher, we remember that we don’t know how much proverbial “time” we have, so there’s no sense in spending life energy or brain power hemming and hawing to try for a perfect final image. You won’t get to enjoy anything more than one last hit of dopamine when the final piece is in, anyway.
Think back to a time when you found yourself captivated by a jigsaw puzzle. Each piece held the potential to complete the picture, and your delight arose from putting it together one piece at a time. Apply this same sense of curiosity and playfulness to your own life. Wouldn’t you get more time by mindfully playing with the pieces of your life to see what truly fits versus what’s been jammed in from a compulsion to tick a box or get’er done? As Andrea's passing reminds me, the puzzle of life unfolds gradually as we make choices aligned with our authentic selves.
What does “going all in” look like?
The term “going all in” comes from poker, a high-stakes game of strategy, psychology, risk, opportunity, and luck. This question is not confined to poker but can be applied to our very existence. In poker, “going all in” means you’re willing to put whatever resources you have on the table (in poker, that’s money represented by chips) to express how confident you are that you have got what it takes to see it through and hopefully walk away victorious.
My friend Andrea was dealt a shitty hand. For her, deciding to go all-in on life post-diagnosis meant pushing herself into uncomfortable spaces (like meeting new people or repairing broken relationships), learning what she liked and didn’t like, learning that she didn’t NEED to be liked, and learning which cards (people, places, events) to discard or trade-in. But in doing this work, I strongly believe she won at life.
Going all in at the poker table is an exercise in seeing whose fear of losing will cause them to fold first and who is willing to face off with you to the finish. It’s risky. But in every risk lies an opportunity, and the goal is to figure out if the reward is worth the risk. Just like in a game of poker, going all in means putting everything on the table, fully committed to seeing it through. It's not about holding the winning hand but rather about the willingness to face risks, embrace uncertainty, and accept that failure is an integral part of the journey.
In both poker and life, going all in invites us to evaluate the risk-reward ratio. It demands an unwavering commitment to our aspirations, regardless of the outcome. It requires the belief that the possibility of attaining what we truly desire is worth the inherent risks. Fortunately, that belief can be cultivated.
So, “What happens if you go ‘all in’ (on life)?” What choices will you make about how you spend your life energy and with whom? About what you will say yes or no to? About what truly matters versus what is a “should” that you’ve been programmed to believe by a society and system that prioritizes the comfort and safety of one type of human over all others?
I invite you to ponder the puzzle of your own life. Grab a pen and paper, and sketch out your answers to these questions. Play. Remember a time when you took a leap of faith and embraced the unknown? Recall how that decision shaped your life and provided invaluable experiences that enriched your journey. Embrace the uncomfortable truths and let them guide you toward envisioning the life you yearn for. Is it a life defined by freedom, peace, or joy? I bet none of you would write down stress, busyness, or loneliness. Why do we give so much energy to what we don’t want?
You don’t have to go all in, of course. In the end, you have a choice. You can continue playing it safe, seeking comfort over growth. (How’s that working out for you?) But I encourage you to consider the fleeting nature of our existence a little bit each day until you learn not to fear it but how to harness it as your ultimate life coach. To quote a meme shared by Andrea, "We're all gonna die anyway." Embracing the truth of our mortality helps us realize that transformation awaits those willing to venture beyond the confines of convention.
As Thich Nhat Hanh beautifully expresses, "You can not reduce something to nothing at all... it can only be transformed into other forms." As we befriend death and recognize its inseparability from life, we awaken to the interconnectedness of joy and pain. By doing so, we can release the need for a perfect final image and savour the process of exploration, discovery, and growth. I’m currently loving how this life is unfolding. You?
More reading: Some pretty good writing on making friends with death:
A mother’s view (one of my all-time fave pieces of writing)
Beautifully written and I am so sorry for your loss: what a gift that you are able to capture her energy and outlook on the page to live on forever. Death is a great clarifier, isn't it. I know a few women who died in midlife, having never pursued their interests and it served as a wake-up call to choose adventure over comfort. When I announced my move to the city, many warned me of the perceived crime and danger but stagnating is equally scary. Your writing serves as an excellent reminder that living fully and going all in is a choice we can make regardless of circumstance. Thank you for the weekend inspiration.